About This Episode

What if the patterns keeping couples stuck aren't about communication, but about memory the body never forgot?

In Episode 212 of the Couples Therapist Couch, Dr. Abi Blakeslee joins host Shane Burkle to explore how implicit memory, developmental trauma, and somatic experiencing show up in the couples therapy room, and what therapists can do about it.

What You'll Discover

Dr. Abi introduces the concept of implicit memory — non-consciously encoded memory that shapes how we predict, respond to, and move through our relationships without even knowing it. Long before a couple says a word to each other, their nervous systems are already making decisions based on what they learned as children.

She walks through how autonomic predictions drive relational patterns — why one partner withdraws while the other pursues, why "good" communication strategies still fall flat, and why couples can't simply think their way into new behavior. The body has to learn it first.

Key Concepts to Explore

• Implicit memory in relationships - how early learning shapes adult relational responses below conscious awareness
• Up-regulation and down-regulation - meeting each partner where their nervous system actually is before doing relational work
• Developmental trauma in the couples room - tracing present-day conflict back to earlier survival adaptations
• The felt shift - why lasting relational change requires a change in the felt self, not just new behaviors
• The rhythm of relating - how giving and receiving in relationships is shaped by early attachment wounds

A Glimpse Into the Work

Dr. Abi walks through a detailed clinical example of a couple — one partner stuck in anxious hyperarousal, the other in dorsal vagal shutdown — and how she works somatically with each of them individually before bringing them back into relational contact. The goal isn't to fix the argument. It's to shift what's happening underneath it.

She also explores how partners can become witnesses and even advocates for each other's younger selves — turning ancient relational wounds into moments of unexpected connection.

The Takeaway

Healing in couples therapy doesn't happen all at once. But when each partner makes even slight shifts — feels something differently, responds a little differently — the larger pattern begins to change. Dr. Abi calls it the rhythm of relating. And it starts from the inside out.

About the Presenter

Dr. Abi Blakeslee, Ph.D., MFT, SEP, CMT is the founder of Implicit Psychotherapy and Senior Faculty at Somatic Experiencing International. Her work brings together neuroscience, implicit memory research, and somatic psychology to transform how we understand and heal relational trauma.

Episode 212: Implicit Psychotherapy and Couples with Dr. Abi Blakeslee

In this episode, Shane talks with Dr. Abi Blakeslee about implicit psychotherapy and couples. Abi is the founder of Implicit Psychotherapy and senior faculty at Somatic Experiencing International. Hear how to help people find deeper healing, how implicit memory works, how somatic experiencing fits with implicit memories, how childhood trauma impacts relationships years later, and how small changes can make a big impact over time.

Listen to the full podcast here.